I need sleep

I hate nightshift................ all I want to do is sleep not this stupid broken, 4hrs here and 4hrs there sleep, a good quality sleep where

• no phones ring
• no parcels arrive
• no opening and closing doors,
• no noisey Mo-bikes

...........................I can't wait till tomorrow night I'm going to bomb the house tomorrow at around lunchtime, which is when I'll be going out for a decent ammount of time, there is a fundraiser on near work for one of the sign on clerks, he got cancer in his jaw, found out in feb, been off work since, lots of donations for him and his family and now a bit of a do I hope he is not off for too long, he came to visit a few weeks ago and apart from a lot of swelling in his face he looked pretty good

The boy has requested that I don't do night shift again, I will try but sometimes you just get stuck with shifts you don't want which is what happened this week oh well

I suppose I'll be off to work now .... last night yaaaaaaaaaay

a failed mission and a sleepy day

well, we failed to get a wardrobe, all of the places we went looking at shut at or a little after lunchtime, along with that, the boy yet again loaded me up with and impossible amount of doing things.
He seems to forget that there are only 24 hrs in a day 8 of which are required for resting and 2 or 3 for preparing and eating, but then he doesn't eat often or rest very much so it doesn't matter to him.

Any way,
he wanted me to help his nan pick up a table and chairs set he had already told nan that I would do it, nan lives at least 30mins drive away we woke up at half past 9 I got there at almost 11, picked up table and chairs got back to nans at around 12 (aka lunchtime) left there got to mumand dads at 1245, Little bro was cooking pastizzis so we ate them, and got to the salvos at around 1340 they close at 1345 grrr vinnies at penrith close at 12 grrrrr so I'll go looking in the morning after work hopefully I'll find something suitable, If not I'll be looking at the cheap furniture places but I doubt those ones will hold enough clothing with out breaking

I also had to find time to vote in there somewhere, I ended up going at 1730 which was great because there were no lines and I wasn't sure which electorate I am in

today is a sleepy day, I'm getting ready for night shift hoping to sleep enough today that I won't get too tired tonight then have a really good sleep tomorrow afternoon

yet another exciting adventure

well, umm two or was it three days ago, My DLB, Darling Little Bro, sent me a message, his Gf had had a fight with her mum and needed someplace to go because the place she went to wasn't all that safe, a quick discussion with the boy and bang we now have a border , which is nice, but it makes life a little different, no more running around the house nakey, no more quick dashes to the bathroom, no more door open when sleeping, but other than that all is good, she is hardly here, she works 12 hr days in the city and doesn't eat very much , tomorrow I am on a mission to find a wardrobe, poor girl is still living out of shopping bags and we can't have that,

hoping to find a nice old one with a mirror on it and some drawers

Oh and I must not forget to vote tomorrow, I have to take the boy's nan to vote so I'm hoping I can absentee vote there otherwise I will have to go to 2 polling places, I knew I should have taken up that postal vote offer that they sent out I will have to do that next time, The Boy isn't registered so he doesn't have to , that is until they catch up with him and fine him $100s, I'm hoping that they don't catch up with him, he claims he will register when big issues are decided by referendum and it is no longer compulsory to vote

and life goes on

I'm tired I was working lots of OT in order to pay off the ute, new plan, we are selling the ute hopefully for a fair bit more than I owe on it then I'll get some back anyway because some of the loan is the cost of loan insurance, I hope it sells soon after I advertise.
Aparently I have to write to the bank for a bill of sale before selling it, I was hoping to be able to do it over the phone, they will also want a reason for me wanting to sell, especially since we are not buying a replacement the boy will help me with this tomorrow.
I still think it's crazy to do all of this just because we might have a child at the end of the year or early next year but it makes him happy and we aren't using the Ute atm anyway because we are both riding everywhere, but then there are the people who had to spend 6 months in bed/hospital due to sickness or something like that so it probably is not such a silly way of thinking I foun a quote I like I'll put it in my discription line it is

PLAN AHEAD It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark

It sorta reminds me of the way the boy thinks which is probably a good thing. the next few things that are on the list apart from moving the computer and re-aranging the wardrobe are all too specific to be worried about right now

the weight loss thing is working alot better now that I don't have th problem of the pills, (yes I know excuses excuses) weight gain is a side effect, I'm thinking I might stay off them, I have changed my diet yet again I am now only drinking shakes for breakfast untill I run out, Jen you were right losing weight quickly is inspiring but not eating real food and losing too quickly made me extra tired, so I am working on the whole portions and good food thing I eat only untill I feel comfortable, it is hard to teach myself that I don't have to eat the whole plate, the boy has been more supportive too, he asks me about halfway though dinner if I am full and do I really need to eat the rest which is a great help, I am now below the 73kg mark for the first time in ages which I'm very pleased with

well tis now well and truly bedtime for me, Merlot I'm working on updating more often I'm dissapointed I have let my updates get so far apart

now what happens if you don't take the yellow ones?

one of my deep dark thoughts which has been keeping me away from here,

after the weekend the boy did the affectionate things that boys do (Ok so he laid on top of me and nibbled an ear TMI?)
I told him I'd missed a magic pill so I had better take it before we start thinking like that, he replied that that's up to me.............. hmmmmm .................. so I quizzed him on it turns out that Like me he is starting to worry about getting too old to have/enjoy children and would like to get married and have babies ........... not necessarily in that order but soon ................ SO I didn't take it....................

now back to the question.................. what happens when you don't take the yellow ones. For those with no Idea the packet has many yellow pills and 7 or so white ones, the white ones are the ones that you take at TTOM they are pretty much just sugar. anyway the answer.................. stop taking the yellow ones and TTOM happens no matter when you stop. prolly should have checked that one out before I did it, oh well will see how we go.

The boy is insisting that we must start buying things now he is such a worry wort......... this means he wants the Ute sold in the next couple of weeks and a small 4-5 door car bought, OK so I want a smaller car due to cheaper rego he just wants something that a baby seat can be fitted to.............................. then various essential items bought, like child restraint and bassinet , then while we are there we may as well look at the other necessities like nappies. he mentioned something about my ability to procrastinate until its almost too late so while I was planning to do as much OT as possible to pay off the Ute, that loan will more than likely be halved now making it much easier to pay off then OT will go towards other things.

then there was the whole getting married bit, which I mentioned to mum and dad, we(the boy and I) have always discussed simple , nice park, immediate family only, mum and dad had the guest list to 34 without the boys extended family very quickly, they also offered to help out with up to $3000 so how do you tell them to keep things very small, I am aware some people spend in the 10s of thousands so 3 is very small but I was thinking around 16 people. I knew there was a reason people eloped, I'm thinking it's a pretty good Idea

ooh

Wow 10 days since my lat post, I have many excuses but none of them really fit, except maybe the too tired ones and then theres the been thinking too much to type one then theres work but I have been on dayshift so no excuses there .

Anyway the weekend of my auntys party was great, I got a little sunburnt I suppose thats to be expected at a garden party in the mountains, I think every one was expecting low 20s or high teens try low 30s grrr was a very nice day, mum and her friends got very drunk, after the boy and I left she got even more drunk and told of my cousins partner who is very nice but only comes to big important family events which I think is good better than (now here is a long discription) my cousins aunty's husband who untill last weekend we haven't seen for 2 years and is very rarely at home due to work commitments (it is beleived that his work is very suss)

for a change rather than camping in the paddock we stayed at the jenolan caravan park in a cabin which was really great firstly because its nice to get away from the restriction and expectations of the extended family(they want everyone to join in all the time) my cousin told them this when we mentioned that we were leaving she was right it is nice for young couples to get away for some time on their own when it comes to these things I'm sure here partner would have dragged her away if he could, trhe boy found a take away and a bottle shop still open in oberon, I was suprised small country towns normaly close down at 12 noon on weekends he had chips and potato scollops and a beer then started to fall sleep, the poor boy spilled his beer when he fell asleep.

It was nice to ride with him again after soo long , I learn alot by following him on the way back we just missed the rain, then later in the day we got those awesome thunderstorms and lots of rain, its been like summer used to be latley, warm sunny days with not a cloud in the sky then and evening storm out of nowhere, brilliant !

Happy Birthday to the boy

yep its his birthday, 32 today hahahaha that's like really old :-P I made a cake, it wobbled in the middle when I pulled it out so I put it back in for another 10 mins , the boy liked the decoration, he even suggested other options like stencils and icing sugar

I have to work on the piping thing , I think I made the icing too runny

I got him 2 pair of shorts, 2 t- shirts, a 5 pack of undies and and garage roller stool with a tool tray underneath, puts him at the right height to work on bikes

I gave in to a piece of cake, sorta wishing I hadn't cause I don't feel very well after that I won't have any more save extra treats for aunty's party on the weekend

still around

yep I'm still here, the boy went to his brothers place last nigh, It was his brothers birthday on thursday, he stayed the night its very lonley when you are on your own at night hasn't happened to me for almost 5 years I supposeI should get used to these things he has his independance back and isn't going to waste it just because I have to work, he sent me a message last night I'm guessing he was going to bed trhats always nice, I din't want to be sending messages all night to him since he is supposed to be enjoying some time with his brother.

as for the new diet , last week I lost 2.2 which is pretty normal for the first week of a new plan thanks to the increased consiousness to drink water they really stress that you must have a minimum of 2 ltrs because of how the diet works the kidneys need flushing or some thing like that I'm averaging 3 still don't like the reduced carb thing but the losses are very motivating I might stick with it for another couple of months and see, oh this week was 1.6, I'm expecting to average 1kg a week for the next few, I'd prefer not to be losing too fast the whole time, I estemate 3 months should get me closer to goal than ever before then its up to me to learn eating and cooking fresh and healthy, probably usuing the principals learnt on core and some help from calorie king

it works.........................

Shhhhhhh............................ I finally got sick of waiting for the stupid tool, and did a bit of a dodgey job, I cut a slot in the screw and then made a screwdriver short enough to fit in the space and after alot of miserable face pulling and groaning I got it to do what I wanted, and got the bike started YaaaaaaaaaaaaHooooooooo I took her for a quick trip around the Very big block which covers three or four suburbs :-D and got some fuel since the boy decided to mention that he had been stealing fuel out of my tank after I tried starting it the first time grrrrr last time I used her she was almost empty the plan was to over haul the carbys and go get some fuel in a few weeks at the most a month welll four months later she now has a full tank :-)

I also have a little confession, I have never liked to refer to food as carbs and protien because then you stop thinking human and looking at food as umm but you start thinking how many carbs are in that how much protien etc
The boy had a talk to me after watching me do well on WW only to put it all back on over Xmas, he suggested I try one of those Liquid Protien based diets so I looked at them and picked the Tony Ferguson one because
A) it is Low calorie rather than Very Low calorie
B) it is low carb not no carb but they have a higher amount than other such diets
I'm trying it out for a month I started on wednesday it's driving me mad I want a sandwich, I want a bowl of Weet-Bix grrrrrrrrrrr he is just starting to realise what he convinced me to do
he read the list of food to avoid, bread, peas, corn etc etc, Jeez what can you eat? he says, I reply shakes, diet jelly, meat and lots of vegies, and fruit. he brought me a beer to have with dinner tonight, which is very sweet but No Beer, unless its pure blonde or something similar. he tried c'mon it won hurt what you are doing, but it will and if I'm going to pay the money for it I'm going to do it right the only night/s I am going do otherwise are aunties party the boys b'day and my bros b'day that is if I last that long
if nothing else it will give me the kick start I need and get me motivated again

Dear sweet parcelman

I miss you, you haven't visited in a long time, perhaps I should have given you a jar of ginger bread like I gave gummibear but I didn't make enough.

I miss getting up in the morning to find a package on the doorstep or laying in bead and hearing DING-DONG because you either have a lot of parcels to give me or you want my autograph again then rushing around to find something to answer the door in.

Even a little red card would be nice but a parcel would be much better.

love Belinda

another not quite so interesting day

that's because I dozed all day, after getting up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck that is, I don't know why but some mornings I wake up barely able to move just like I've got a flu but without the coughing, sniffling and watery eyes, go back to bed and wake up again feeling much better.

yesterday or was that the day before I cleaned out the hanging rack of my wardrobe today, I finally reached the end of the washing pile and have a few more things to throw out or donate plus a heap of stuff that came out of the shelves and drawers, I found my old journal, I've only written about 20 pages in it most of it is about the boy and how I felt about him when we had only been together for a few months there is a big lump of time missing a while before and after I moved in with him the last two pages are only a few weeks after he lost his licence, he has this belief that mum was trying to pull us apart but the last two pages show a very different story, one line says...... "I wish I knew what to do and how to do it or even who to talk to, I feel more alone than ever"......... I am considering showing the boy these two pages but I think I'll just throw the whole thing out it make me too sad to have it around

I'm glad that stage in our life is over, even though his bike is off the road and he still can't take himself places (except by bicycle)he is a lot happier and much less stressed the drinking thing still needs work though

I got my part today, still waiting on the tool may need to write another letter to the parcel man last time the thing I was waiting for turned up very shortly after

wow wednesday already

hmmm where did all of those days go........
I ordered a new part today because the boys mate also broke his trying to get it off, I'm thinking poor design there, plastic piece attached to a metal bit in a very hot location (the metal bit has hot oil running through it) the plastic bit seems to get very brittle, hopefully I will get this bit and the tool I have been waiting for on Friday, that would be all of my dreams come true, I'm seriously missing the beast thumping away under me (I would say between my legs but that could come out badly)

I have decide that this will be my last year in my motorcycle club, there are just too many boys involved which is sad because they do a lot for women's riding in Sydney...... where did I get this from, well I pulled up one of the boys for using the word constable in an inappropriate way(deliberate misspelling) and requesting that he not send so many about what the police do wrong to the yahoo group, and got a flood of emails all from men who basically told me to pull my head in, I will now be looking for girls motorcycle groups where while male partners may be accepted to come along on a few day rides for company, but they are not accepted as full members, there was a ride with a different group the boy went with me on until he felt that I was comfortable with these ladies, they all thought this was very sweet that he is protective and caring they had all been riding together for a few years so knew each other pretty well.

It's the boys birthday soon he has requested one of those shed work stools on wheels with the tray underneath for tools or some new T-shirts, singlets and "undies that fit" I'm hoping to find a stool and add a couple of T-shirts, a few singlets and a 7 pack of undies, its the only time he will let me pay for these sorts of things so I'd like to take the opportunity, he also hates birthdays, I get the feeling with his family not being all that well off these times were not all that pleasant. he is very angry that his parents didn't stop at two or three, I think someone wanted a girl who was #4, he views each sibling as more food that could have been in his mouth and fun that could have been in his life, remember he helped raise his siblings and started cooking for the family at 9 so I suppose he has a right to feel this way

I'm off to have a look at my wardrobe, my new clothes have recently highlighted the fact that I really have nothing that is fit to be seen in, most of my clothing is faded or stretched or bleached oddly, which is odd because I don't use bleach unless it went into a wash which required napisan for stain purposes, probably slipped in with my work clothes. anyway I need to sort out the stuff that I keep pulling out and deciding that its not appropriate and putting back, I shouldn't have so many clothes if I'm not going to wear them, my old lady trolley is starting to get full with all of the clothing I have recently decided I won't wear again

yesterday again

this is the boy's new helmet and goggles, yep I took a pic of myself, I'll get confidence to be in front of the camera yet :-), yesterday we found out that the little beast has major problems, hoping to work these out pretty soon so that he dosen't have to be on a bicycle for the next few weeks, I think it may be the head gasket again I might check it tomorrow if I can manage to start getting the house back in order again

new clothes....

I couldn't be bothered doing htis last night, so ................

this is my new outfit, I'm a cheerful little thing aren't I
this is my party outfit yet again cheerfull me, this is why I like to be on the otherside of the camera as much as possible

as for the biy, he passed his test only lost 3 points for not looking left and right before taking off, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I went for a walk around the rowing lake, the testing place is in the carpark of the olympic rowing centre, I didn't reaaluse that the lake is 2000mtrs long, so i walked 4.1k in my sandles not a good idea, I now have a big rub mark on the top of my foot which hurts no matter which shopes I wear

well......

he booked in for his test today ..... tomorrow 430.....gee I hope he passes, I'm so tired of always being tired because I'm always giving him lifts to and from work I'm tired of the winging and complaining, I'm tired of the regular trips ti ashfeild to get more bits, I'm tired of never going for picnic anymore, because he feels like a retard going everywhere in the car I'm tired of theat last comment every time we are going somewhere that he dosen't want to go

on the other hand... I'll be going to family stuff on my own, prolly spending some weekends alone, mostly because I don't particularly like the Idea of going away with his mate who dosen't understand no thank you I don't feel like a drink and beleives 8 am is a reasonable drinking hour, which it is but only if you have not been to bed yet or you are having some bubbly in orange juice.

I broke a bit on my bike today, not happy.... I have to see above mentioned mate for replacement since his bike which has the same engine as mine is about to be written of, thats 2 in the last 3 years, some people just shouldn't ride, or they have more money than sense, hoping to have the requied tool to get my bike up and running next week, It's driving me mad, although I don't beleive it is prime riding weather, its a little too hot for me its still driving me mad, all of the things I could be doing or going to itsw almost 4 months now, I hope she starts when I do get thigs back together, it will definitley be a case of blowing the cobwebs out (a term usually used by us for a good fast freeway run after alot of short trips) this time

when shopping with mum and dad tonight, found two nice autumnish outfits, one for aunty's party and another one because I put it on, looked in the mirror and said "wow", if I get that feeling I usually buy the thing I'm trying on, I am unimpressed with protmans sizing though, the skirt and top I bought from rockmans was a size 12 and a small, skirt from portmans, size 16 and M top, seriously how can there be that much difference, I can understand a 1 size difference but 2 mum laughed when I picked the skirt up of the rack and said thats a 16 "yeah right, whatever you reckon," mum has just started to get back into the 18's which is good, but I was pretty dissapointed in all of the big womens clothing shops, why is it that big womens clothes have no shape, surely even the more curvy of us could use a little shape in your clothing so that at least you look like you have a waist, nope shelves and shelves full of tents, one shop even sold shoulder pads, show me one size 16-26+ woman who requires shoulder pads, I haven't seen any and all I could inagine them doing is making you apear even larger
we may be taking another shopping trip on the weekend since mum couldn't find what she wanted
I post some pic tomorrow, I'm too tired to be bothered right now

what day are we up to again........

I hate having holidays and nothing planned, I think I might find out when my next lot of hols are(I have rostered hols) and try and plan something for then perhaps a trip to Melbourne,

I've never travelled south of the border, unless you count the border with Canberra strange setup that one, a little tiny state smack bang in the middle of nowhere, apologies to all of the canberanites out there but if it wasn't for the city there would be ski hotels and farms and perhaps a small town, it is interesting that they stuck it in between Sydney and Melbourne rather than in the center of the country, now could you imagine that....... the capital city of Australia...... ALICE SPRINGS........... it kinda works.

I've decided after reading the last paragraph that I should stick to the light shandy's rather than drinking the beer straight...... thank goodness for spell check (I've only had one.....)

anyway mum and dad are heading to Melbourne for their wedding anniversary I think it will be 32 years I could be very wrong..... they are going for a romantic weekend including a meal at fifteen restaurant..... its been booked for months, it annoys me that they don't want me to drive them to the airport because that would put me out, I might have talked them into it when I reminded dad of all of the 4am trips to the station, and his car will be more secure at home than at the parking station, it will also give them another $80 or so to spend while they are away. we'll see what happens dad keeps saying something about work, but it's on a weekend so I'm unlikely to be working anyway grrr

as for today well I joined Calorie King website, seeing as though its free now I figured another resource cant hurt seems pretty good enter food, counts calories in and calories out, shows how many left, similar to the meal planner on the WW site but I prefer the forum on WW so I'll stick to that not that I've been all that involved lately really need these things to work for me, I'm sick of not having any clothes that fit it drives me mad to have things that only a few weeks ago were perhaps a little tight but are now almost impossible to do up grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

going shopping with mum tomorrow for a new outfit... aunty is turning 60 they are having a garden party I need garden party outfit to go in or at least a bright and cheer full wrap thing and a hat to go with black dress more than likely new outfit though, I wonder if the boy will allow me to buy him a new shirt ..... prolly not

day 3 hols

well......... there was breakfast banana berry smoothie, I'm not a big fan of the liquid breaky but its so hot and I wasn't all that hungry
and then there were the weight exercises, tuna sandwiches for lunch, risotto at pa's for dinner
my arms back and chest are a little sore, but its good sore, its amazing how hot and sweaty lifting heavy things can make you, walking will start next week, hopefully the weather is cooler soon

holidays day 2

well, I spent the morning helping the boy put his bike together, for someoone who is such a neat freak he keeps an incredibly untidy shed, I will go through it one day and sort things out but that will have to wait until I manage to declutter the house, I am considering selling some of my fiction books and joining the library then I will have much more room for keeping my non fiction stuff and only keeping the special books, the one that were handed down or were gifts

the gym got a work out this afternoon, I know my uppe body will be sore tomorrow, but I will try to do legs stuff tomorrow, I thought about it today but my arms were shaking too much to hold the bar and the boy suggested it would be better if I have time in my routine for some gym stuff every day upper body today lower body tomorrow, still working on the routine thing it is happening, sort of but it works much better when I am going to work during the day

new addition this week will be vacuuming twice a week, he said we need to vacuum twice a week because the dogs are in the house a fair bit and if we had children they would be on the floor alot and he likes to lay on the floor too , he also mentioned he wouldn't mind if one of his ex's turned up with a child of his, it would be nice to go and do things like kite flying and bycicling and he'd make a good dad, prolly because his dad never did anything with him, I seriously think the boy is starting to think family, it is a bit of worry but then it could be just thoughts it would be nice to have instant 7 YO which can be handed back not sure how long it would be all good for though

holidays day1

one thing I love about CORE is breakfast

the only thing on this plate that I have to count are the sausages the rest is eat until comfortable

after breakfast I put up the new tent its pretty nice, very easy to put up and not to hard to fit back in the bag I've already lost one peg, I'll have to take a trip to the camping shop and get some more so that I have some spare

just for good measure I wanted to throw this photo in , just because I like it


it is red things from my garden

another day another dollar, or more

apparently they had bets as to weather I'd turn up or not, everyone lost, no one thought I'd go, hahahahahaha I usually say no I don't want to work, reasons,

• the boy only has weekends off and its nice to spend the day and the night together
• I can think of much more interesting things to do
• I work a lot of afternoon shift and so only get to see family and friends who are mostly non shift workers on the weekend
  
• I need to go shopping
  
• anything else that comes up at the time

really I just don't like being at work more than I have to, yes the money on weekends is very good and I can probably pay the rego on the Ute from working one weekend but I think my home life is more important than putting 2007 equipment into 1970's machines then trying to get it to work. it wasn't too bad today although we did get a cruddy job later in the day, which technically we shouldn't have done because the other jobs are classed as 12 hrs, I heard much complaining on the way out to the job from the bloke who was sent out to the job with me, I don't care we are there and doing the work makes the time go quicker

On the way home I stopped into anaconda and bought 2 sleeping bags and a 3 man tent, when the boy gets his licence back they will get some use, I bought them now because they were on special, and the sleeping bags will fit nicely in the bottom of our saddle bags and the tent will fit nicely across the back of my seat, the whole lot cost $108, full price would have been over $300, I an learning to control my spending, which is great, now most of the time I am able to confidently stop at the shop on my way home and grab some basics, it's sad when you are not sure if you have the $10 for the few things you are picking up from Coles or woollies

On Australia day, it is the day that the Governor declared the colony, so pretty much the day the first fleet landed